Do You Ever Ask Why?

                                                               Do You Ever Ask Why?

Have you ever had a time in your life when you asked yourself why things are the way they are? Why didn’t I spent enough time with my family? Why didn’t I go to school as far as I wanted? Why didn’t I travel more? Why didn’t my kids go in the direction that I wished for them? So many different why’s.

I have been married for nearly 28 years and sometimes I have asked myself why I have made the choices that I have made. I have had 3 children, and have never once asked why. I’m fortunate that I have a good marriage and that my three “kids” have grown into polite, respectable, and hard working young adults. My oldest child is now 27 years old and is an MA (Master at Arms) in the United States Navy. My middle child is 24 and is a 4th grade teacher living 2 hours south of us. My baby is still in college, also living 2 hours south of us. I have always aspired for my kids to do what makes them happy in life. I want them to strive to their absolute best, so that they could be proud of who they are and will become. I want them all to be proud of who they are and have no regrets about decisions that they make. I don’t ever want them to feel like they have to ask themselves, why.

I think some people would suggest that we don’t ask ourselves “why” often enough. However, I think it is important to reflect on decisions, and logical for us to doubt ourselves, but I think it is healthy. We cannot be so consumed on asking ourselves why, that we have no time for anything else. Take time to enjoy what you already have accomplished, regardless of how unimportant you might think it is. I have always told my kids that if it is important to them, then it should be important to us.

After finding out that I have Dementia, and that parts of my brain are dead and dying I was instantly scared of what my future was going to be. When you get a diagnosis that gives you a probable death within a three and five year mark it is mind numbing. In some respects I have accepted it. But, then I realize everything that I will be leaving behind and I become scared again. As a Christian I do not fear death itself, it is the leaving behind of my wife, my kids, my daughter-n-law, and my two grandchildren that bother me the most. I drive around the country and see things that I know I will never see again. The gardens that I have made over the years that I know I will never be able to work in again after I am put in a home prior to my passing. I’m not even fifty years old and all of our plans have changed completely. My wife is being robbed of time with her husband, my kids are being robbed of time with their father, and my grandkids will grow up without a papa in their lives.

Its a rotten hand that I have been dealt, but it is up to me and only me to make it the best that I possibly can. As far as asking why me, my response is better me than my wife. I’ve had multiple tragedies in my life, being hospitalized numerous times. I’ve had serious accidents breaking many bones, almost dying, losing my mother at a much too young of age, and losing my father 5 years ago to cancer. I was able to survive all of that and will succumb to a brain disease that will steal every memory I have ever had and make me into something that I am not. Some people argue that in a way I am lucky, because I won’t realize that I am declining, that I can no longer swallow, I can no longer speak or appear to understand. Why? Why do so many have to take this road? What is the point in all of it? I guess I will just have to wait to get to heaven to find the answers to this one big question, which is, WHY?

To my daughter Elizabeth

I remember the day the doctor told us that we were having a girl. It was just before our Anniversary Weekend. Every Anniversary weekend we would go to the island house on the ocean and enjoy the tranquility. Freeport is only a 15 minute drive from the island, and we loved walking through the shops on Main Street. This year I was on a mission. I was going to shop for our daughter-to-be. It was a beautiful weekend in Maine, Memorial Day parades were going on and there was a spirit in the air that was contagious. Everyone was happy, maybe because it was sunny and warm and it was fueling my mood. My mission was to shop for dresses for my daughter. I can’t remember for certain, but I think I bought you 5 complete outfits that day before your mother cut me off! I picked up shoes, summer hats, and all kinds of other “girly” things to go with them. I had so much fun.

On August 3,1990 you came into this world as one of the most beautiful babies I had ever seen in my life, looking very similar to your brother, nearly 3 years earlier. Holding you for the first time, I was absolutely spell-bound. You knew my voice as soon as I talked. Doctors said that it was coincidental, but I knew better. I was the proudest dad in the world that day, and remain to be today.

I remember when your brother met you. People might think that toddlers can’t truly understand love and admiration, but I strongly disagree. Matthew absolutely fell in love with you the minute that he met you. I still remember him looking deeply into your eyes and you looking straight back at him. It was definitely a Kodak moment, and will remain banked in my mind forever.

When you were a year old, your mother and I purchased 60 milk cows and I had the opportunity to care for you while your mother taught school. We also raised a few pigs, along with chickens, turkeys and heifers. You kids loved it, and followed me around while I fed the animals and kept your mother company while she milked on the weekend. I will say, that some of my fondest memories was watching you and your brother play in the grain cart and “help me” do chores and do yard work. Raking up leaves in the fall was always fun. I would rake them up into huge piles and you and your brother would leap into them and have so much fun. You even talked me into it a few times as well!

One of my early memories is that you could scream bloody murder in the middle of the lawn for absolutely no reason.  It was a scream that meant instant help was necessary and it would scare the pants off me every single time. We would all come running and then you would laugh.  That was the summer of the 911 scream. Mimi put a stop to that really quick! I believe that it was also the same summer that your brother tried to teach you to pee on a tree outside, and you both swam naked in the little swimming pool that we had on the front lawn.

In January of 1993 your little sister was born. Now we had Bubba, Butts, and Boo. Our family was complete. Just 2 weeks after we brought Cailea home, you were 2 1/2 years old, we had the biggest scare of our lives. While getting ready to go snowmobiling with your uncle, you ran across the feed chute and fell 10 feet onto the cement floor. You lay motionless with eyes open. All of my nursing training went out the door. I scooped you up, keeping you as flat as I could, and ran to your Mimi and Papa’s house crying. We called 911 and because we are 45 minutes from any hospital Uncle Lee and your mom started out in hopes to meet up with the ambulance. I thought I lost my baby girl and was an absolute wreck. On the way to the hospital you started  breathing better, but you remained still and quiet. Uncle Lee drove so fast that he passed the ambulance that was waiting at Agway! I was left home with Matt, trying to find someone to milk the cows for me. When Grandpa arrived, Matt and I headed to the hospital, followed by Mimi and Papa who had Cailea with them. After being checked over they determined that your skull was actually fractured. They sent everyone home except me. They put you into a crib that looked like a cage and surgeon was on standby. My heart ached to just hold you and reassure you that everything was going to be okay. I was the only one you wanted right then. Part way through the night, you let out a blood curdling scream. I took you out of the crib and you snuggled right up into my shoulder, I rocked you, and you fell asleep. It was a feeling that I as your Dad will never ever forget, regardless of how aggressive this disease gets. The next morning, Dr. Lovitz lugged you all around the floor while he did his rounds. My baby girl was going to be okay.

You kids would love to go on rides on the 4-wheeler and you and I would go down back each night to see the deer. It was a special time together. However, one day when I returned from hunting, you met me by the silo with your hands on your hips and you told me that I could not shoot your “deeoors”. You were not budging, so I had no choice but to agree that I wouldn’t shoot them, and I did not hunt again until you went to college. That is the truth. Riding the ATV was one of your favorite things to do. In the summer we hooked up the wagon and took you kids on picnics throughout the many trails that are on the farm. Sometimes I think back to those times and wish that I could do it all over again, but I realize it is just one of the many memories in life that we share. We will continue to make new memories, as you will turn 25 this year.

You were so shy, always putting your tongue in your cheek and looking at the ground, so we enrolled you in dance. For the first couple of years you remained extremely shy and reserved. Being out on the stage at recitals you didn’t miss a step, but your tongue was still in your cheek. The third year of dance and you were unstoppable. You and your sister practiced all the time and in any room you happened to be in. I loved watching you two practice together and get better and better all the time. I’m so proud of you for continuing to dance all the way through high school and into college. You put a lump in my throat every single day, as I watch you mature and become such a beautiful young woman. You played other things such as soccer as a bumble bee, basketball, soccer, chorus, and band, but my favorite thing was to watch you dance: absolutely flawless and ever so graceful. You remain to be that way today in all that you aspire to begin and accomplish.

When you were seven your mother and I signed you up to go to summer camp for a week and you were apprehensive but agreed to go. It turned out to be the best thing for you and the camp. You had such a good time that you begged us to go back. Somehow God made it possible for you to go one more week, where you again excelled. The shy little girl that we all knew you to be, was becoming a thing of the past. You were really beginning to shine. You later would go on to become a lifeguard and a counselor for the camp, and spend the summers there instead of home. You were blooming.

You kids talked me into a pool and a trampoline that we had hours of fun on. One day, one of you decided to put the trampoline next to the pool. This was absolutely priceless and the days of fun that this provided was fun for me as well. I will never regret putting the pool in and then purchasing the (3) trampolines.

I remember the “No Prom” party that you threw for all those who didn’t have a date or didn’t want to go to the Prom. I never minded having your friends at the house because it allowed us to know your friends and also know that you were safe. It always worried us when we didn’t know where one of you kids were. Sometimes we worried when we did know where you were! To me, being a parent is the biggest responsibility over anything else. We tried to put you kids first, and I think we have done a pretty good job of doing that.

And then there was the year that you worked as a CST at camp and you got your Life Guard Certification. This was just the start of something that still remains dear to your heart today. Camp became a refuge for you, it is where you met many of your friends that you still keep in contact with today. You came to enjoy the woods, the water, and the smell of camp itself. The many hikes up the mountain to the cross, the endless hours in the canoes and kayaks still bring smiles and laughs to you and I am so glad we decided to send you that first year.

Making the Dance Team, traveling with your Mom, and then eventually your sister, was so special. These were like mini 5 or 6 day vacations for you, and I remember the excitement that you always had prior to traveling to Portland or as far away as Pennsylvania. I remember your last dance and your Senior Solo. You couldn’t have made me prouder. The tears that fell down my cheeks that day were not tears of sadness, but tears of profound pride in who you have become.

Taking you to college put a pit in my stomach and an ache in my heart when I dropped you off and unloaded you without your mother. I cried all the way home. I was so very proud of you, but I couldn’t help but think that I would never have you close by anymore to give you a hug when you needed one. Fortunately you were only an hour away, excelled at school, and fit right in like we knew you would. You became a natural at college, got a job at one of the school’s cafeteria’s, and once again bloomed.

Then you graduated from college with not just one degree, but two: Education and English. You have always had a strong desire to move to Portland and work in the area and you followed your dream. You were hired for In-home support for children with Autism, then worked as a BHP, and then finally you landed a teaching position in Hiram teaching the 4th grade. I was floored when you were hired over the phone by the Superintendent after an interview with the hiring committee. He was on vacation in Florida and called you to offer you the job. This was all done in a two-day time period, which is absolutely unheard of in the teaching profession. Now you have your own classroom  and have become so well liked by both kids and the staff.  Your mother and I could not possibly be any prouder.

Your sister who was in college at the University of Maine at Farmington transferred to the Southern Maine Community College to live with you, and you have coached her for a year.  This has created lasting memories and has made me so very proud. You have turned out to be one of the most responsible young ladies that I have ever known. You are making your own way in this world, as you start to mold these young people in your classroom for their own futures. You are, and will continue, to make a difference. I am so very proud of you and what you have become. I know that you will excel in life, that you will make your mark, a mark that will always be remembered. Please always know that your father is and has always been your biggest supporter, and I will always be cheering you on from the sidelines. I love you so much! Dad. 

Are you living your life and treating your loved ones like you’re dying?

It is a really tough question to think about. It is an even tougher one to try and explain, at least to me it is. I like to think that I have always loved my loved ones in a way that if tomorrow never came, they would at least know that I loved all of them unconditionally. No exceptions. No regrets. I like to think about the song by Tim McGraw, “Live like You Were Dying”-jumping out of a perfectly good plane just to go skydiving. Now that might be for some people, but I am scared of heights and am quite certain I would die of fright on the way down. But I am forced to ask myself if I really am living like I am dying? Are You? As we all watch the tragedy that unfolds in our country and around the globe, I am reminded that nothing is certain. A really good friend of my wife’s was killed instantly as she was driving to work on a major route in our area and a car that was traveling in the opposite direction crossed the grass median and hit her head on. She died instantly. I wonder if she told her husband that morning that she loved him. I wonder about her son who happened to be home on leave from the military at the time. I do know that she had that night’s dinner pulled out of the freezer for a barbeque. I do know that when she left for work that morning she planned on returning to celebrate her son’s birthday. I know that she was one of the very best artists that I ever had the privilege of seeing. She was funny, extremely funny- one of those people that would leave you with your sides hurting from laughing the whole time she was there. I miss her Jersey accent and her ability to turn every frown upside down. I do know, at least to me, she had a lot more living to do. Every time we hear of a story like that we always say “you just never know”, and they are right. The question that really demands an answer is if they were living like they were dying?  And an even better question is to ask yourself if you are living like you are dying. We, the people that are here are talked about in the present tense, whereas the ones who’s time has run out here on earth, are viewed in the past tense. There is still time for us to change our lifestyle so that we can be described at our funeral like this, Wow, they really lived every single day to the fullest, was happy and had righted their wrongs and had no regrets. They lived like they were dying. There are millions of people from every walk of life that are sincerely trying to live life in a way that is pleasing to their God, their family, and their friends. They go out of their way to help strangers in time of need. I wonder though, how many of those same millions are still somewhat timid about getting involved to help out? I know for a fact that I am one of them, and that I need to start doing more. Perhaps I need to check in on the elderly in town, or give them a ride to the store so that they can get groceries? Maybe I could just… visit. I think if all of us agreed to helping just one person a week, they would in turn help one person and so on, good will be re-born. Patience is really big. If we all learned to be more patient with the length of the coffee line, the traffic, or the price of gas we would solve many of the worlds problems right away. Seriously, people would get a better cup of coffee, maybe listen to a talk show on the radio while stuck in traffic, and not gripe about the price of gas because there is absolutely nothing that is going to be accomplished by yelling, cursing and waving with one finger. I’m a realist and know that this is a far cry from ever happening, but if we all started thinking like that then maybe real change is possible. Learn to take things, life, in stride. Learn to chill out and give yourself some “you” time every day. Leave work at work and when you get home you put on the other hat and become that happy, more relaxed, well versed, and kind person that is hiding in there. Live life to the fullest. Agree to change for the better by making plans with your loved ones. Start by being happier, while at the same time living like you are dying. It will make a difference.

A Wintry Day Of Reflection

Once again the snow is falling hard and visibility is about 20 feet. I like days like this. They are tranquil, uneventful, and even a little bit, dare I say it, playful. I know that if I were to drive down into town the snow would be much lighter and visibility wouldn’t be a problem. I like it up here in the middle of nowhere. It’s pretty cool that I could walk outside and fill my bird feeders naked if I wanted, and not a soul would even know. Obviously I am not going to do that, especially in the middle of the winter. However, if it were summer time… hmmmm….

There is a pair of cardinals out here today competing with a bunch of blue jays and finches. The birds are so happy with the temporary home that I created when I dragged my christmas tree out of the house the other day. It’s cool to see how they interact with each other and finally settle in together. I am prompted to think how much birds and people have in common. Neither man nor bird wants to give up any food to his neighbor. Food is scarce enough without having to share what little we have. Nor does either one want to share their home with someone else. If push comes to shove some of us may cave in for a while, but please, no long term living. We are both territorial beings, as well as both are capable of solving issues that might arise from day to day living. Despite the fact that the bluejays are much bigger than the cardinals and finches, they were driven away by the tenacity of these little birds coming together. It makes me wonder why we don’t drive away the few bad apples that are always overturning the apple cart, causing tension that afflicts everyone. No one is ever exempt from being affected from another’s bad attitude. I used to go to work in the morning and be in a very good mood, whistling, and smiling and enjoying meeting my friends at the corner store for coffee. AT this point I have connected with around 20 people, who are all in good spirits and anxious  to start another day. Everything is great until I walk through the front door of work and I could instantly feel the tension in the air. The boss is in a bad mood again. My awesome and jovial morning just came to a screeching halt. Attitude spreads like a wildfire through the workplace and instantly puts everyone on edge. I did this for seventeen years. Leave home excited to start the day and come home defeated. Over and over and over for seventeen years. I stayed out of necessity for my family. It was in town and just a couple miles from home. It wasn’t a corporate paying job, but was adequate in paying the bills. As the years ticked by I was starting to more and more feel like the bluejays that just got driven away from the feeders. I started to feel like I wasn’t welcome and even second guessed as to whether or not I ever was? I was laughed at for my faith by most of them, and never felt supported by those who claimed to share my faith. It’s not a fun place to be.

I have come to realize that when I was fired from that job it was in all of our best interests. I was and had been at the breaking point for a long time. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I really was forgetting things, and it was happening more and more often. Once I was diagnosed with Dementia many months later I was sure that the people that I used to work for and with, would visit me. I wasn’t forgetting on purpose as some had indicated. I had Traumatic Brain Injury from four different accidents and the dementia may have been brought on by that. In some ways I was relieved to have a answer. I finally was able to understand why i was having problems remembering. I guess that I am still very much like the bluejays. They certainly don’t have a place with the finches and cardinals, and I don’t have a place in the working world anymore. As of right now I really don’t fit anywhere. It’s also, not a fun place to be.

To My Children (Part 6)

First and foremost, during this Christmas season I want to give God the glory that he so richly deserves. I know that I am not worthy, yet he continues to pour out his blessings on me. I cannot put into words how God takes the time to listen to me, talk to me, and walk with me every step of every day, but he does. An even better question is why? I thank him tonight for granting me time to write my thoughts, my memories, and my wishes so that my family will be able to look back at these posts and be comforted in the knowledge that I love them unconditionally. I may be going to meet Jesus sooner than many, but please know that I am sharing pieces of my childhood, my school years, my Navy years, and then my dating years with their mom and finally our marriage that consisted with all three of kids. Thank you God for them, every one of them.

This post is coming about two weeks late as it has been a very busy time of year with the girls home for Christmas and all of the normal hoopla that goes along with it. I have been keeping myself busy with wrapping, baking, and decorating so I have been neglecting my blog, and I apologize.

As I sit in front of my Christmas tree tonight I am comforted by the Angel on the top of the tree. The angel was given to Cindy and I from a very dear friend and her family. She has passed away now, but we used to go see her once a week for the last couple of years of her life. She was very sick for so long, but I could always get her to laugh. We had a mutual love for the christian music group “The Gaithers”. I’m pretty sure I was the only person in his thirty’s that liked them and their music! She was an absolute sweetheart and I miss her, but I know that she is in heaven right now preparing a place for me. Oh, I bet she is watching the Gaithers too! So every single year when I put the angel on the top of the tree I smile and look towards heaven and tell her I miss her. My wife got tickets to see the Gaithers when they were in Maine a few years ago but I was sick and not able to go. She asked her mother to go and they had a great time, despite the fact that she was the only person in the audience that was in her forties! She said that she was quite certain that the rest were in their eighties and nineties! (I think she may have been fibbing a little bit.)

I joined an on-line group for just dementia patients and it has so informative. I’m “talking” with people from all over the world and that alone blows my mind. It’s nice to realize that this isn’t happening to just me. It is happening to people just like me, and people who are totally opposite from me. It is affecting men and women, and most surprisingly it is happening to people that are even younger than me. The doctors think that this started a couple of years ago, it just went undetected and undiagnosed. I certainly can see it now and all the mistakes, the forgetfulness, and the confusion makes so much sense now. I never in my wildest dreams, not even for a second, gave it a thought that I had dementia. So this means I probably started with the initial symptoms when I was 45 or 46 years old. I always truly believed that this was an “old persons” disease? Today though, I am realizing that it is much more prevalent than I could have ever imagined. At least it’s not my wife. It’s neat hearing their highlights of their traditions and how they became traditions in the firsts place. I find it cool to be able to talk to someone in England as if they are sitting right next to me. I have come to realize that many of us are so much alike in what our families do together, what our interests are as well as what we like to eat and drink. Pepsi is really big in England! Who knew?

The fire in the fireplace is crackling and the smell of the christmas tree is so strong, a scent that I could never get enough of. The smell of my spice cake baking along with the christmas music playing all together with the girls laughing in the back ground is heart warming. It is at times like this that I am most proud. It is times like this that I really understand all that I do have around me. There are people out there that are struggling much more than I or my family. There are people right here in my own town that are hurting. I wish I was in a position to help them, but I’m not. Every single person out there has their own story, and as I have said before, I would love to hear every one of them. I know that I am not an isolated story, and that there are hundreds if not thousands or even 10’s of thousands that are in more desperate situations than I am. I look under my tree this year at the few presents that we have and know that there are some trees with nothing under them. I would gladly give up my gift for someone that is hurting. Maybe it is a young man that was let go from his place of employment for whatever reason, a single mom that can’t even afford diapers, let alone a christmas tree or gifts, or someone that is on the brink of foreclosure because their part time job isn’t cutting it. Regardless of the circumstances, my heart breaks for them. This is the christmas season, the time of year when everything is good in this world and for a few brief moments it really seems to be, but the fact is, I know better and so do you. I am reminded tonight that it is not about the presents, the food, the fireplace, or even the amount of friends that you have. To me it is about acknowledging that there are people out there that are worse off then me. It is about doing something good for someone. Buy the customer standing in line behind you a coffee without letting them know. At the toll booth pay for the next one or two of five cars just because. One nice gesture can be contagious, and I know from personal experience that the feeling is overwhelming. I have been the giver and I have been the receiver. I am a humble and proud man that has always been able to take care of my family as well as help others, until now. Now I am the one that accepts gifts, charity, food and numerous other things because I am that guy that needs a hand. I pray that the day comes that I will be in a position to pay it forward but realistically know that I wont. But hopefully my kids will.

Make this new year a good one. Plan on doing something good for someone. I promise you that you will get more gratification out of it than the receiver will. My parents use to tell me that giving is so much more special than getting. I never really understood that until now. The neat thing about it, is that it is true.  The look on somebody’s face when they receive something that is so very unexpected is the best feeling in the world. It doesn’t even have to cost anything. Write a poem, create your very own painting, or cook a meal for someone. Believe me, it really is priceless!

What Does This New Year Have In Store for Me?

It is now January 1, 2015! A brand new start for me. As I look across the mountains my mind is flooded with pictures from the past year. The buds blooming in the spring, opening up into a rainbow of colors that is breathtaking. I wonder how many people go through life and have never had the opportunity to witness a spectacular array of such beauty. The colors change of course through time but creates memories that are so profound that they are etched in my brain for a lifetime. I cannot help but wonder, that if when my brain no longer allows me remember these pictures that are so very vibrant in my mind right now, if they will still be there? I wonder about me and other people that are diagnosed with dementia, and whether they still see these images that are stored in our brains and just not able to express it? Are they really lost? I hope not. It is pictures that can say a thousand words, right? With the thousands and thousands of pictures that my family has taken over the years of everyday living, as well as camping trips, canoeing down the St. Croix river, trips across the country, to Germany and Switzerland. Cindy and her trip to Scotland with a group of her friends. Our week in Anahiem, California, and Disney. Trips to Florida with the kids, as well as trips without them. Bringing my grandson to Fun Town for the first time when he was still in a stroller. I loved it. As I reflect on all that I have accomplished so far in my life I am overwhelmed at the scope of successes that I have had. I am the most blessed man on the planet, with a wife that loves me unconditionally as well as three of the best children that I could have ever prayed for. They have all become mature young adults who I am so very proud of. Did I mention that I feel so blessed?

I am very unsure about the future, but realize that so are you. No one knows for certain what tomorrow is going to bring, but one thing that I do know is that little by little I am going to lose pieces of my past. In many respects it is a comfort to me knowing that considering I don’t have an accident or some other unforeseen event, I will not experience that kind of pain. I won’t feel the pain involved in a lost spouse, child, sibling or friend. I have already lost my parents, but still have my mother and father in laws. I am aware that I will be missing so very much of my children’s lives and that makes me sad. My grandchildren are a gift from God, but then so are my children and my wife. I don’t want to miss any part of any loved one, but am mature enough to know that I will. I am going to live this new year like no other. I am not going to wait to go to Acadia again. I am not waiting to go see the Red Sox this summer at the Green Monster, or go hiking the many trails that our state has to offer. I’m going camping this summer with my wife and spend some nights out in the woods like we used to when my kids were young. I’m going to the landing this summer with my wife for ice cream and feed the ducks. (Yes, I do know that I am not supposed to feed the ducks). I’m a rebel! The point that I really am trying to make is that you need not wait to do the things that you so badly want to do. We truly do not know what is on that next turn, that next page or chapter of our life. Take a chance and do something spontaneous. Create memories for you, and more importantly for those that you are going to leave behind.

I am scared of what lies ahead, but am sincerely comfortable knowing that my family and loved ones understand that what ever I do or don’t do in the coming years, I am still the same person inside. They already know that just because I am not able to express my emotions or feelings, I am still the same person. I am trying very hard at remaining upbeat for my family. I am determined to love as long as possible the ones who have made me into the man that I am today. I owe a great debt to my friends throughout the years  who have been a part of my life in more ways than I am able to express with pen and paper. My friends, I love you all and thank you from the very depths of my heart for all that you are, and for all that you have done for me. As for my family, I hope it goes without saying how very much I appreciate each and every one of you. I hope you all know that I love you all to the moon and back, and that when I am no longer able to express it in words you will still cling to my words today that remind you once again that I love you more than humanly possible and that will never change. You are all responsible in some way as to the man that I have become. I hope that I have been able to make you proud at being your husband, your father, your friend. I know that I am proud of you. Thank you all for being a part of my 2014, and I look forward to sharing my 2015 with all of you as well.

As I turn the page entering into another year, I choose to think of it as an adventure. What is it that God has in store for me? We travel to Florida again next month, thanks to a family that loves me. I am excited to have my wife, all my children, as well as our two grandchildren together if only for a few days. There truly is nothing that is as important as family and friends. Cherish yours as you too venture into this New Year. I pray that it is all that you hope for it to be.

On Behalf of “Memory People” Around The World

Relay For Life Cancer Walk

I walked with my wife, and two daughters (shown with me) in honor of my mother and father who both died from cancer. I also walked as a survivor, beating it up twice!  

A few months after learning that I have Dementia I went online looking for information about what to expect, and found a support group on Facebook called Memory People. They have been a tremendous amount of help to me as I learn to go through the daily challenges. More than anything, I have learned that there are thousands of others out there throughout the world that are experiencing the same things that I am going through. I am not alone. My heart goes out to those that don’t have the support systems that they so desperately need right now. Right now, before this disease completely takes over my brain, and theirs, we need the support the most. We need to know that people care and are willing to give up an hour to visit, or a few minutes to call. We need to see firsthand that people still care like they did before we were diagnosed. For me, I need to see that just because I have this unforgiving circumstance in my life, my family still means something to them. When people stay away because they are unsure of what to do or say it hurts. Right now I know what is going on, what I am doing wrong, as well as what I am forgetting. Please don’t stay away from my family because you don’t know how to act around me. Please allow my wife and kids the blessings that your time can bring as you happen to be “in the neighborhood”. In the coming months and years it is only going to get more difficult for them and I need to know that they are not going to be forgotten. On behalf of all people that are experiencing Dementia or Alzheimer’s, we need you. Our days are sometimes dreary, but I have always believed that the good in life far outweighs the bad. Please know that you all are the good, and we need you. More importantly, we love you. You all know who you are. Thank you so  much and Merry Christmas.

Family Is Best, No Matter What

I find it hard to believe that I am 48 years old. I don’t feel 48. I think I feel more like… maybe 28? But then again, perhaps I really do feel like 48. There is not a day that goes by that my joints don’t hurt, my muscles throb and I tire so easily now. There is a bright spot however, and that is that I forget the forgetfulness. Huh… that even sounds funny when I say it out loud.

I have been texting my sister this morning and she apologized once again for not making it to yet another attempted family gathering of all my siblings. Since my mother died in 2002 we have struggled in making the time for each other. I remember promising my mother that we would continue are annual Christmas gathering at one of our houses every year. I think we managed to do that too, until my father died in 2010. Everything seemed to fall apart after that. Why is it that we always made the time to gather when my parents were alive, but can’t now that they are gone? So this year, after last weekends failed attempt I have decided that what really matters is my relationship with my wife, my kids, and my two grandchildren. We will gather as often as we possibly can and sincerely enjoy each others company. My two daughters live in Portland, and my son and his family live in Florida. So our time together will be limited, but more importantly it will be meaningful to all of us.

Last night I played hide and seek with my two year old grand-daughter, over skype. That’s right…over skype. It was hilarious and meant more to this Papa than I could ever put into words. She is definitely Papa’s girl. My seven year old grand-son who loves to tell knock knock jokes about buses, bridges and bananas is also a hoot! They are the same ones each and every time but I don’t mind. I get a chance to see him (via skype) whenever I want to. He is so smart and absolutely loves school. His favorite class is science and is excited to share with me what he has learned about that day. It’s so fun to see the excitement and wonder in his eyes. He is definitely Papa’s boy.

Parenting is not for wimps, and we know this firsthand. I think all children go through a funk where they are very uncertain as to what they are supposed to do to be a productive and successful member of society. I am proud of where my kids are at in their walk through life so far, and know that they are all going to make their mark and leave an imprint that only they can leave. I have always challenged my kids to never stop striving to better themselves. While I was stationed at different commands while in the Navy, it was very evident that if I was going to climb the chain of command ladder, I was going to have to do it myself. So I did, and without a doubt I know I have instilled into the minds of my children that same tenacity needed to succeed. I tell everyone that I have four kids, because my daughter-n-law is as much in my heart as everyone of my biological kids are. She lost her father to cancer shortly after getting married to my son and I have grown to love her and respect her the way that a father is supposed to love and respect his daughter. She was and is an answer to prayer.

I have been thinking about my childhood lately and all the fun we had playing Cowboys and Indians after our chores were done at night. My cousins would all hoof it to our house every summer day and even some of the town kids would come. We made snow forts and tunnels for hours and hours at night. We would only give up playing when we were made to go inside and go to bed. These forts and tunnels were something to be admired and I wish we had taken the time to take pictures so that we could show our own kids what their parents used to do as kids. I remember walking to the town dump and shooting rats, and even throwing rocks at them. And the treasures! We would always drag a bunch of junk home and leave it in our fort in the woods near the cemetary. We also had paths and trails there as well. A huge roll of canvas material was brought home once by my dad for what was supposed to be a sawdust tarp for his farm truck. Well, us kids confiscated it and dragged it out in to the woods near our fort. We rolled the ends with 2×6 planks and hung each end up into a tree. It ended up looking like it was supposed to be a tent that didn’t have the center post in yet. One of us would climb a tree and hop onto the tarp staying at one end. Then another one of us would climb another tree at the other end and leap onto the tarp throwing the other one skyward and of course crash landing somewhere. It was some of the most fun things we did as kids and it always brings a smile to my face when thinking about it.

We grew up on a small dairy farm and always had ponies and horses. We all had our own sulky and harnesses and would spend hours upon endless hours riding the trails. I remember a time when we chased a moose through the woods on horses and how the moose had had enough of this game and charged us. That was scary, but also one of the coolest things we ever did.

I remember many evenings after the cows were milked and the chores were done, my dad would bring us to China Lake to go fishing. He loved fishing and certainly passed that likeness onto me. I have much of my father in me and as I age I am seeing that I do look like him in certain ways. But, I look more like my mother with my dark hair and dark brown eyes. I know for certain that I am a good person with an even better heart, that loves his family unconditionally now and forever. I pray that my imprint will stand out in ways that will make you remember me, while making you smile. I have been influenced by some of the most admired people in the world. I am still being molded to this day, and you are all still making a difference to this man who is just trudging forward the same as you. I am such a lucky man who has been blessed more than he deserves. Thank you so much.

You are as bright as a Rainbow!

As I look out across the mountains this morning I can’t help but think about the smiles that all of us will bring to someone today. They may be very subtle, but certainly direct. Not all of us will understand the significance that they bring, but to those they are directed at, they will speak volumes. It’s interesting to me how a few simple words can completely change your mindset. Three of the most sincere words ever spoken, are also three of the most powerful. I love you.

We all long to hear these words. Some of us hear them on a daily basis, while others takes an act of Congress to hear a faint mumble. These three words can literally make or break a person. We all need to hear them, and more importantly we all need to believe them. Relationships take time. Relationships require lots and lots of hard work, determination, and a genuine desire to please the other person in that relationship. Just because I have dementia, it doesn’t mean that I can no longer do my own thinking. That will come, but I am not there yet. As I continue my quest to raise money for home heating oil and propane for the winter months ahead I am grateful for the mild fall that we have had so far. As I continue to give all my fears to God every morning, I struggle with the need that I have in the first place. I don’t like needing help, but the fact is I do. I have always prided myself on the idea that I can take care of my family, but now find myself not being able to. It is what it is and I have to learn to accept it.

Please know that I am merely speaking from my heart and hold no degree to back up my thoughts. I don’t have special training where I can pull information from different text books or authors. I am a very simple minded guy with a heart. A heart that has belonged to the same wife for almost 28 years. A heart that has beat through rough waters more than once, but has always managed to survive the storm with a very solid foundation and an even stronger anchor that has always held. God has never let me down, not even for a second.

To me, it doesn’t matter if your relationship is with a guy or a girl and it doesn’t matter if your a guy or girl. It doesn’t matter to me because it’s not about me. I dream of a place in which people are not judged. A place that requires no explanation and merits no criticism. A place that allows people to be who they are and makes them proud of who they are. I always put one of my children in the shoes of the one in turmoil and try to imagine what it is that they may be going through. This is not an easy thing to do and sometimes by simply portraying the situation, it can literally change my attitude. None of us can completely understand what another person is going through, or what they are thinking. Each one of has a unique set of circumstances that is unlike another persons. That is the way it’s supposed to be. In order for you to show your true colors you need to be happy with and where you are in life. We have to accept the person that we have become, and learn to fine tune ourselves so that the colors in our rainbow become more vibrant as time passes by. Remember, you are already a beacon of hope to those around you. What we need to work on is becoming so bright that others will ask you how they too, can be more like you.

Over the past week I have experienced first hand the steps that have been taken in an attempt to polish my path, my rainbow. My at home nurses have been great, visitors continue to help me put another coat of wax on and my on-line friends have been just what I need every day. I look forward to hopefully being able to help others in need some day and pay it forward, something that I think we all secretly hope to do sometime in our lifetime.

I’m So Undeserving Of Love

As I sit alone again today I am not thinking about me. I am thinking once again about all the people out there without a voice. The overwhelming feeling of not knowing where to begin. The scared look on their faces, and in their eyes. Many of you will throw your hands up and tell yourself it’s not worth it, or worse yet, that you are not worth it. Please let me assure you this morning that you are worth it. You, my friend, are worth the prayer that I shared with God this morning. You are worth the letter, the phone call, the instant message, the status update on facebook, and the best one of all is the visit.

I was reminded of this fact again this morning. If nothing more I am worth it for the courage that I am hopefully bringing to not only those with a life altering diagnosis, but also to the caregivers of those loved ones. And please hear me when I say “loved ones”. It is so important that we understand that we are not traveling this path all alone. Our loved ones are beside us every step of the way and quite frankly are the buffer between factual reality and “our” reality. I know that my wife is shielding me from much of what dementia is and I can’t begin to thank her enough for that. I did some initial investigating as to what this entails and the probable path that I will be taking in the future. It is very scary for me, and it is equally scary for her. This path was written long before I was even born and I am so glad that it is me that’s walking it and not my wife. I’m glad that God is allowing me to be the instrument used in this real life event. My wife has tried so hard not to cry in front of me. She, for the most part has been successful.

It is through this encouragement that I am able to stay strong for her and our kids. It is through her encouragement that I am able to encourage others. I pray that all of you have someone to talk to and bounce ideas off from. Talk, is the very best therapy in the world. I have always felt strongly that there are no stupid questions. If it is important to you than it should be as equally important to me. I know that people are waiting on the sidelines to help you, they just need to be asked. I have been reminded of that a number of times this week. People are not mind readers. They really want to help us and we need to let them. Most of the time people stay away because they are unsure of what to do or say. There really is such an easy solution, and that is to assign them a task they can feel good about. Perhaps it could be as simple as picking up your mail everyday or doing grocery shopping? Simple house chores or maybe carving out an hour in the day when they can drop in for a visit. From my perspective, visits far outweigh everything else. I desperately miss my friends and would love to re-connect with them. I bet if we were to ask everyone reading this blog if they would reconnect with lost friends if given the chance, we would get a resounding yes. People need people and I am no exception. We need to step up to the plate when given the opportunity and take a serious leap of faith. Every person has good inside them and I believe they all wish to share that goodness with others. I truly believe in fairy tale endings and that we are all worthy of them. My prayer is and always will be that we all can experience goodness firsthand.