Heaven is Counting On You

IMG_1123I know as a Christian I am going to have a home in heaven. That is a promise to me, from God. As a child I learned about heaven, about God and Jesus. My parents had a series of books called “The Bible Stories”, and I remember reading them with an awe that at that time was not fully understood. My great Aunt Muriel used to pick me up and bring me to a small church in Albion, Maine. I loved learning and was fascinated by the stories my Sunday School teachers used to tell through the felt board figures. I don’t think I ever fully comprehended what those stories meant at the time, but as I matured and grew older I was starting to realize the significance that these would mean in the growing up process.

2012-06-16 18.49.31I’m not 50 years old yet and have started to plan my funeral. It’s not something that I want to do, but something that I must. I don’t want to leave all of the plans for my wife to have to do herself. I know what I want and don’t want, so it only makes sense for me to contribute and get it over with. I’m not at all afraid to die, but I am afraid of leaving my wife and family. The biggest problem with Dementia is the long goodbyes. I understand that this process may take a year or so and I won’t realize it, but my family certainly will. So, I will try to simplify the property management and chores as best as I can, so that my wife will have to do as little as possible.

This home had been a dream that was two years in the making. It was something that was equally important to both of us to make it “ours” with our own gardens and clusters of woods up and down the driveway. This was our dream together for our retirement together, but God has a different path and plan for us. He wants me to go to heaven first and help prepare a place for my wife and family. I can do that. Like I have a choice right? One thing that has become very evident to me this past year is that God doesn’t make mistakes, ever. So, I will continue to simplify life and make the very best of every single day. I will continue to love my wife and kids for as long as I humanly can.

156699_1651261175448_5528607_nI hope that as this disease progresses, my family understands that my love for them will never falter, despite what may come out of my mouth at times. I know that this disease will completely take over my mind and that it is likely I will become someone I am not. It is a scary thought, yet I cannot allow it to consume me and I refuse to let it. I will make the best of every day, no matter what.

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One thought on “Heaven is Counting On You

  1. My heart cries with yours. Yes, heaven will be an amazing place. You are correct, God does not make mistakes. I am so touched by your concern for your wife and families future. Then I cry a bit more. My darling has never been concerned about “our” future. He would empty the little left in the retirement fund, for now. Fortunately I have been able to curtail this plan, but he is still working on it. sigh. There is no consideration for “me alone without him”. Never was any life insurance. I still don’t have health insurance. He did ask me once, “Well WHO will you go live with after I’m gone?”. THAT was the only question. It didn’t even occur to him that i DO NOT want to just give up OUR home, and move in with the children. I know he loves me very much. I just ache because there is no thought of what might become of me, if/when he leaves for heaven before me. Heaven. He will have no worries, no concerns etc and I will be left with a big mess and a huge battle to survive. sigh.

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