Once again the snow is falling hard and visibility is about 20 feet. I like days like this. They are tranquil, uneventful, and even a little bit, dare I say it, playful. I know that if I were to drive down into town the snow would be much lighter and visibility wouldn’t be a problem. I like it up here in the middle of nowhere. It’s pretty cool that I could walk outside and fill my bird feeders naked if I wanted, and not a soul would even know. Obviously I am not going to do that, especially in the middle of the winter. However, if it were summer time… hmmmm….
There is a pair of cardinals out here today competing with a bunch of blue jays and finches. The birds are so happy with the temporary home that I created when I dragged my christmas tree out of the house the other day. It’s cool to see how they interact with each other and finally settle in together. I am prompted to think how much birds and people have in common. Neither man nor bird wants to give up any food to his neighbor. Food is scarce enough without having to share what little we have. Nor does either one want to share their home with someone else. If push comes to shove some of us may cave in for a while, but please, no long term living. We are both territorial beings, as well as both are capable of solving issues that might arise from day to day living. Despite the fact that the bluejays are much bigger than the cardinals and finches, they were driven away by the tenacity of these little birds coming together. It makes me wonder why we don’t drive away the few bad apples that are always overturning the apple cart, causing tension that afflicts everyone. No one is ever exempt from being affected from another’s bad attitude. I used to go to work in the morning and be in a very good mood, whistling, and smiling and enjoying meeting my friends at the corner store for coffee. AT this point I have connected with around 20 people, who are all in good spirits and anxious to start another day. Everything is great until I walk through the front door of work and I could instantly feel the tension in the air. The boss is in a bad mood again. My awesome and jovial morning just came to a screeching halt. Attitude spreads like a wildfire through the workplace and instantly puts everyone on edge. I did this for seventeen years. Leave home excited to start the day and come home defeated. Over and over and over for seventeen years. I stayed out of necessity for my family. It was in town and just a couple miles from home. It wasn’t a corporate paying job, but was adequate in paying the bills. As the years ticked by I was starting to more and more feel like the bluejays that just got driven away from the feeders. I started to feel like I wasn’t welcome and even second guessed as to whether or not I ever was? I was laughed at for my faith by most of them, and never felt supported by those who claimed to share my faith. It’s not a fun place to be.
I have come to realize that when I was fired from that job it was in all of our best interests. I was and had been at the breaking point for a long time. It was hard for me to accept the fact that I really was forgetting things, and it was happening more and more often. Once I was diagnosed with Dementia many months later I was sure that the people that I used to work for and with, would visit me. I wasn’t forgetting on purpose as some had indicated. I had Traumatic Brain Injury from four different accidents and the dementia may have been brought on by that. In some ways I was relieved to have a answer. I finally was able to understand why i was having problems remembering. I guess that I am still very much like the bluejays. They certainly don’t have a place with the finches and cardinals, and I don’t have a place in the working world anymore. As of right now I really don’t fit anywhere. It’s also, not a fun place to be.