I Am Not The Same

Have you ever had a day, when for what ever reason nothing appears to go right? But at the same time you can’t put your finger on anything that is particularly wrong. I have done a great deal of reading pertaining to my diagnosis of Dementia, and one of the things that patients go through is mood swings. I have tried so hard to keep my cool and not make a big deal out of stupid things. I’m a realist, and silly things like stupid movies piss me off more than they used too. One of the worst parts is trying to hold my train of thought and accomplish everything that I begin, something that I have failed at miserably lately.

It is Easter weekend and my daughters are home for the annual Easter dinner at my in-laws house. This is something that we have done for 28 years and have never missed one. We all come together to thank God for our families, our homes, our children and grand children. And the one that is the most important is our health, and this is the first time that I can’t say that we all are truly healthy this year.

Big crowds are something that I try hard to avoid now, whereas before I could talk in front of a crowd without hesitation. Im not the same person I used to be before this. I’m struggling with accepting the fact that I can’t be the same person no matter how hard I try, or how bad I want it. I understand that I am getting older, but the idea of losing my life before people that are already in their 70’s and 80’s is mind blowing to me. I am trying so desperately to be a man and put up a front that I have it all under control, but in reality I don’t. In reality I am scared of the unknown and  what is still yet to come. My family deserves better.

The reality of this disease is that it robs me and my family of quality of life. It forces me to make changes in my future plans and robs me of time spent with my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. It has taken away my self worth and respect. I am not the same.

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5 thoughts on “I Am Not The Same

  1. I feel you my friend. It is a struggle, and I also get very frustrated at not being the old me. I avoid crowds and large gatherings when I can. I find it stressful for same reason as you…focus, keeping my train of thought in conversations. When I feel like im easily irritated on some days, I become reclusive to avoid hurting the feelings of loved ones. I take comfort in your writings and empathy. Jeremiah 29:11

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    • I understand exactly what you are saying about being apprehensive to being around people when you your feeling irritated. Keeping my train of thought right now is getting difficult to say the least. I know I will get through this, I’m just afraid of how many people I’m going to unknowingly hurt along the way? That really scares me.

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  2. Prayers and positive thoughts for you, your wife, family and friends. God bless you all during this period and give you strength to continue to be there for your family as long as you can. God watch over the family Amen I put your family onto a local prayer chain.

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    • Thank you for the comments Lisa. This is a very rough road right now. My wife tells me of things that she has noticed about me, that I haven’t noticed and I am dumbstruck. I so desperately don’t want to become someone that I am not. Thank you for the prayers and putting us on your local prayer chain. I am a true believer in prayer, as I have seen miracles happen before.

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  3. My Darling also had a “rough day” Easter. He is always so sweet and mild mannered. Easter, after everyone had left, he told me how he feels “not a man” anymore. I so ache for him and wish I knew how to “help”. He also got across that some of the “safety measures” (he may no longer drive or use the mower, etc) make him feel useless. HIs words were, “it’s like someone cut me off at the legs”, along with a sweeping movement. sigh.. Even worse, I get the impression he feels all of the “things he may not do” are my idea. I don’t know when to jump in and help, and when to stand clear and let him do. There are a lot of “manly jobs” he can still do. Rake the leaves, tend the garden, etc. Alas, his focus is on what he cannot do. I want to “make it better”, I just don’t know how.

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