Have you ever had a day, when for what ever reason nothing appears to go right? But at the same time you can’t put your finger on anything that is particularly wrong. I have done a great deal of reading pertaining to my diagnosis of Dementia, and one of the things that patients go through is mood swings. I have tried so hard to keep my cool and not make a big deal out of stupid things. I’m a realist, and silly things like stupid movies piss me off more than they used too. One of the worst parts is trying to hold my train of thought and accomplish everything that I begin, something that I have failed at miserably lately.
It is Easter weekend and my daughters are home for the annual Easter dinner at my in-laws house. This is something that we have done for 28 years and have never missed one. We all come together to thank God for our families, our homes, our children and grand children. And the one that is the most important is our health, and this is the first time that I can’t say that we all are truly healthy this year.
Big crowds are something that I try hard to avoid now, whereas before I could talk in front of a crowd without hesitation. Im not the same person I used to be before this. I’m struggling with accepting the fact that I can’t be the same person no matter how hard I try, or how bad I want it. I understand that I am getting older, but the idea of losing my life before people that are already in their 70’s and 80’s is mind blowing to me. I am trying so desperately to be a man and put up a front that I have it all under control, but in reality I don’t. In reality I am scared of the unknown and what is still yet to come. My family deserves better.
The reality of this disease is that it robs me and my family of quality of life. It forces me to make changes in my future plans and robs me of time spent with my wife, my children, and my grandchildren. It has taken away my self worth and respect. I am not the same.