Do You Ever Ask Why?
Have you ever had a time in your life when you asked yourself why things are the way they are? Why didn’t I spent enough time with my family? Why didn’t I go to school as far as I wanted? Why didn’t I travel more? Why didn’t my kids go in the direction that I wished for them? So many different why’s.
I have been married for nearly 28 years and sometimes I have asked myself why I have made the choices that I have made. I have had 3 children, and have never once asked why. I’m fortunate that I have a good marriage and that my three “kids” have grown into polite, respectable, and hard working young adults. My oldest child is now 27 years old and is an MA (Master at Arms) in the United States Navy. My middle child is 24 and is a 4th grade teacher living 2 hours south of us. My baby is still in college, also living 2 hours south of us. I have always aspired for my kids to do what makes them happy in life. I want them to strive to their absolute best, so that they could be proud of who they are and will become. I want them all to be proud of who they are and have no regrets about decisions that they make. I don’t ever want them to feel like they have to ask themselves, why.
I think some people would suggest that we don’t ask ourselves “why” often enough. However, I think it is important to reflect on decisions, and logical for us to doubt ourselves, but I think it is healthy. We cannot be so consumed on asking ourselves why, that we have no time for anything else. Take time to enjoy what you already have accomplished, regardless of how unimportant you might think it is. I have always told my kids that if it is important to them, then it should be important to us.
After finding out that I have Dementia, and that parts of my brain are dead and dying I was instantly scared of what my future was going to be. When you get a diagnosis that gives you a probable death within a three and five year mark it is mind numbing. In some respects I have accepted it. But, then I realize everything that I will be leaving behind and I become scared again. As a Christian I do not fear death itself, it is the leaving behind of my wife, my kids, my daughter-n-law, and my two grandchildren that bother me the most. I drive around the country and see things that I know I will never see again. The gardens that I have made over the years that I know I will never be able to work in again after I am put in a home prior to my passing. I’m not even fifty years old and all of our plans have changed completely. My wife is being robbed of time with her husband, my kids are being robbed of time with their father, and my grandkids will grow up without a papa in their lives.
Its a rotten hand that I have been dealt, but it is up to me and only me to make it the best that I possibly can. As far as asking why me, my response is better me than my wife. I’ve had multiple tragedies in my life, being hospitalized numerous times. I’ve had serious accidents breaking many bones, almost dying, losing my mother at a much too young of age, and losing my father 5 years ago to cancer. I was able to survive all of that and will succumb to a brain disease that will steal every memory I have ever had and make me into something that I am not. Some people argue that in a way I am lucky, because I won’t realize that I am declining, that I can no longer swallow, I can no longer speak or appear to understand. Why? Why do so many have to take this road? What is the point in all of it? I guess I will just have to wait to get to heaven to find the answers to this one big question, which is, WHY?