It’s Not What I Thought It Would Be.

551771_3795701185108_1035383832_nWhen I was fired two years ago for being so forgetful I attributed it to getting older, afterall, I was 48 years old. I spent seventeen years at the company and they fired me without an explanation and to this day I have seen most of my past co-workers or talked to my bosses. I never believed that I would hear the word Dementia and that it would cause me nothing but pain and anguish since I got the diagnosis. I have always been under the impression that dementia caused you to forget things and that was about it. But that is not the case at all. I have gone two years without a paycheck, gone behind on bills, been forced to beg borrow and beg some more to stay afloat. We have absolutely no savings anymore and our future is not at all what we had planned. Our future is at a standstill. My wife has taken the hardest hit out of all my family. I’m becoming more temperamental and it’s tearing me apart to see what this is doing to her. She deserves better. I have been more moody lately and more quick-tempered than ever before. I find that I’m getting upset more with our Social Security Disability System than anything else right now. I first applied on April 18, 2013, and I am still waiting. I finally won my case on February 2nd of this year, but still have heard nothing regarding my settlement or monthly payments. I faithfully paid into the system every single week but am expected to wait for two plus years for them to start to pay me back what I paid in. This disease is continually and almost secretly robbing me of who I am. My wife mentioned tonight that I don’t empathize like I used to, and asked if I noticed? The truth is I haven’t, and that really bothers me. I used to always be sympathetic when something went wrong and was the first one to offer help, and now I’m not. I’m more apt to hang back and let somebody else take the lead now. I am ever so slowly losing who I used to be and becoming someone I’m not. I’m frustrated that I am not seeing what others see right in front of me. I am losing my composure more often and the slightest thing will tip the apple cart over. I’m going to try to write in my blog daily now in hopes that it may help keep me accountable for what I do and say to others. I find it weird that I am capable of saying and doing things and not be aware of it. It’s actually quite scary. I don’t want to be someone who says inappropriate things to people I love, and even strangers. I see this happening with some of my friends and I am truly worried about it. The other thing that I am worried about is how I am cheating my wife out of a “normal” marriage. I feel like I am being robbed of everything good in me and about me. Am I in the end going to be a burden to her and my family? I want my family to be proud of me till the day I die, not despise me for becoming a stranger to them.

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One thought on “It’s Not What I Thought It Would Be.

  1. Oh Russell, this brought tear’s to my eye’s. I am so sorry that you and your family are having to experience this. Why, oh why can life be so hard for some and then other’s just “breeze” through?
    I am hoping that your desire to blog daily will help with the issue’s that are causing you so much grief and that by making yourself “aware” of your issue’s it will help you be able to battle it better.
    It is hard to accept help, but by doing that you are blessing those that love you. I’m praying that the financial issue’s end soon for you, or at least become manageable. Come on Social Security get your your in gear!!!! (I’ve had my own battles with the SS dept).Praying for you and your’s Rusty and Cindy and hoping this “even’s out” for you all very soon. You all are loved.


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