I Need The Sun

Picture from my front deck.

Have you ever been in a funk where you were just not yourself? People tell you that you are “off” today from your normal self?. You know there is something that you feel, but are are uncertain if what you are feeling is good or bad? You want people to just shut up and leave you alone?

Well that is what I’m feeling today. The part about people leaving me alone is not difficult for me, as I am home from 6:45 am to 5:00 pm every weekday. For the most part I enjoy my alone time, but this has been a very long winter cooped up in the house. We have had more snow this past winter than I can remember, and keeping the driveway cleared out has been a challenge in itself. I have had to hire it all done this year as my snowplow wasn’t working properly, and that has been an added cost on an already tight budget.

Picture of Me, my son, and grandson!

I wish I was able to go back to work, but I know that that is not possible. Physically I could manage a lightweight job I think, but to keep my thought process alive in my brain has proven to be a challenge. I will start a project and walk away from it, just to start another project somewhere else. It drives my wife crazy. I find it fascinating that my brain is working like it is, different than last year, short circuiting now and then. Before I was diagnosed with Dementia I had only known one person that ever had it, and I believe she had it for years before succumbing to it.

Me and my youngest brother Mel, with our dad, shortly before he died.

There are many different types of dementia, mine being Semantic Dementia. My doctors believe that I have had this for a few years, possibly being sped up or brought on by TBI or Traumatic Brain Injury. I’m grateful that I have the time to prepare for the end. If I were to die unexpectedly, for example in an auto accident I would not have the time to say good bye to those that I love. Whereas with this I have an opportunity to tell them every single day, up till the time I am no longer able. I have learned that I need to take advantage of the time that God has given me on this earth, realizing that I will see them again, and soon.

Confusion is starting to become my normal now. I’m tired most of the time and could fall asleep anywhere. I don’t feel good about the way that I am right now. I’m moody and don’t mean to be. I’m punchy over the silliest things, and would rather not be in large crowds. People with loud voices and large groups of people can be crippling for me, but I have found ways to get through it. I look at the floor and try and drown out the high pitch sounds concentrating on the grip of my wife who is always by my side during any type of gathering. My family has been great, though I know this has taken a toll on them as well. They all know that I long to be the way that I used to be, but understand that I will never achieve that.

There is no doubt that the past two years have been a roller coaster ride of emotions for me, my wife and children, and my wife’s family. They have all taken this new path that I have been placed on with concern and  a whole lot of love. They are all my support system and I need them more than they could possibly know. I need them to know that though I don’t remember things, I love every single one of them unconditionally. I am relying on them to make me feel normal, appreciated, needed, and most importantly, loved.